Happy New Year (early). let’s hope that this year is tons better than this last one :D
i wanna run fast and i wanna run far. thats what girls like me do when it comes down to it. anxiety starts swelling and my feet get moving. its bad when you can’t face reality and cant grip it. i feel like an ostrich, with its head in the sand. what’s wrong with me? can’t handle change but cant handle certainty. if i had money, and a GED already, there would be no stopping me. i would be in chiacgo, or boston or new york. i wanna run, so far away from here its not funny. but. i am a chicken. i cant leave my friends and some members of my family. maybe, someday, there will be a place out there, and even maybe a person, i dont wanna leave or run away from. ha, its funny actually, when i think about it. i have always been running. i even ran before i walked. that is a true story. that seems thats the only thing i have ever done. i ran away from home numerous times, i ran away from church once or twice, i even run away from school.
i know, problems don’t fix themselves but i can’t help it. i feel like it is my nature to do so. when something comes up, i mentally curl up into a ball, in a corner and plug my ears and go “na na na na not listening”. i think i am going to save all my money and put it on a visa card, pack a bag one day and grab the next plane outta here, leaving a note only saying, ‘i just had to, dont hate me for too long-katie”.
i think i am. just wake upone morning, and go. go to a new place, with new people and be place that i pick..where i wanna be, not where anyone makes me go.
i’ll be free, finally running free. :)
i feel like i am completely wasting my life. it seems crazy for a 16 year old to say but i do. like, i have big plans and all but life is soooo short, i dunno if i can do those things in the alloted time that i have. like i wanna get my masters at UMass. i wanna live in ireland for a little while. i also wanna get married and pop a couple kids out before i am all ancient like. pluss, since im outta school, it feels like all the days are mixed together. is christmas eve really (technically) tomorrow? i miss seeing my friends every day too. :/
plus i have been sleeping so weird, like for real. i have been staying up wayy past Carson, then wake up between the hours of 11 and 1. i am totally not feeling optimistic right now. last week i was listening to sinatra sing about christmas and hanging up lights. and these week is just been my ehhhh week. i have been so procrastination and upset mood mode. haha.
another thing, (i already know how excited you are to not read this) i feel like i need to go through a period of self-examination and reflection. i don’t really know who i am, i thought i did, but i am so confused and i feel like i have been acting really outta character. i mean, when did i become this grumpy, bitter ol hag? who is a complete and random bitch? i dunno.
im thinking the following things will make me feel better:
-fresh air and excercise
-being around my friends again
-christmas to hurry its fat jolly ass up and get here
-the weather to get sunny again.(i love the clouds but enough is enough)
-hunting down some good movies and watching them. the funny ones that is.
:) goodnight && and lets have a better tomorrow…yeah?
change and katie doesn’t go well together, actually they are longtime rivals, enemies actually.
so if change could just leave katie the fuck alone,
katie will be happy and change would keep its metaphorical face.
i miss you. and i hate that i am too damn stubborn to say it.
but i do. you are like a mind boomerang, every time i finally stop thinking about it, it comes back. i kind of hate the fact that you choose to live so far away and i have no say and what i do say doesnt matter. but, aside from the many times i try, i still miss your ugly face :)
please, rambo. leave that jungle where the evil people and fighting are and come home.
(movie refrence, ya dig?)
i was reading MLIA, and i found out i am not the only person who moves the shower curtain, checking for bad guys before i use the bathroom. :)
ugh, i feel like such a dude lately. ima girl, i have all the right part, and i am as straight as you can be but i feel dud-ish cause i like hanging out with guys better than girls, and like i cuse like a sailor and i think football and hockey are like the best sports ever. i guess im not feeling that great today, and i am certainly don’t feel feminine.
tomorrow will be better, hopefully.
if not, i’ll kick its’ ass.
i actually found what i want to major in when i am in college!!!!!!!!
ohmygosh, my brain feels like someone just stopped squeezing it! it is absoultly perfect for me, it has all the interests i have in it. :DDDD
it makes me sooo happy.
now…to find a college that has it.
pshh, like i could ever get into there.